I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it's great music for shaving your balls
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
