I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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