apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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