there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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