Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
