I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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