Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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