if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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