I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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