one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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