I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
