I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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