you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
