my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
