she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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