Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
