i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
