It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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