I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
