Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
