I skipped work to stalk him.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
