yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
