Tell her she can't have a vagina
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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