Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize