broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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