my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We're too hungover to prance.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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