He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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