the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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