the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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