At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
