Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
