You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
