I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
