The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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