remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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