Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
