One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
