How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We're too hungover to prance.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
