Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
