dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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