so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
