i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
