Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
