There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize