There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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