I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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