Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
