I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
