Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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