he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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