why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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