I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
