life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
