The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
