i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
