batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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