I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
