Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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