She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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