I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
