I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
