Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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