I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
