I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
