I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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