a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
